Attacked By a Swan: My Story

September 3, 2015 Leave a comment

Markjorgy's Blog

Originally published by Manchester Confidential


A couple of weeks back, I’d been at a friend’s house drinking budget Caribbean rum and bogaling to some mild commercial reggae and had reluctantly embarked upon the arduous trudge home.

I decided to take a short cut due to the rain, opting to brave the cottagers and weirdos along the Manchester canals. As I ambled cautiously down the dark, snaking pathways back towards the city centre, my attention was drawn to a noise.

A horrifying noise.

A noise I can only liken to a banshee being kicked up a staircase made of broken glass by an elderly blues musician passing a kidney stone.

Stealthily pushing a key between the fingers of my nervous fist, I approach the fluttery epicentre of the racket. I was immediately relieved to see that it wasn’t a howling sex offender as I’d feared, but, a swan engaged in an altercation…

View original post 430 more words

Categories: Uncategorized

How To Have Fun Alone In A Hospital

March 27, 2015 Leave a comment

Had to fill in a consent form at the hospital today. The conversation with the receptionist when I handed it in was a treat.

What does this say under your religion?
What’s that?
They’re like anteater things.
What are?
Is that a religion?
It is to me
So it’s not a real thing?
Tapirs are real things, yes
No, for a religion..
Is it going to make a difference for my operation today?
No I suppose not. Shall I put ‘other’?
Thanks love
May tapirs be with you


Categories: Complaint letter

BT Complaint Round 2 – Come At Me Bro!

January 28, 2015 Leave a comment

*I again copied in the CEO*


Dear BT,

Recently, you and I had a bit of a bicker, which you can read here. You did some things (like over charge me for years for a service you weren’t properly providing). I said some things (like you chew with your mouth open and you are worse than environMENTALIST pelican botherers BP). Then we cleared the air. It was all left behind us and we could move on, linking hands and skipping merrily across a meadow together.

Or so I thought. Since the technical issues at your side were fixed, and the billing issues at your side were apparently addressed, it transpires you have been charging me nearly 300% our agreed amount for absolutely no reason at all. In a series of complaints, I have been told 3 completely separate baffling technical reasons why this has happened, 3 different baffling technical ways to resolve it.

The one thing not one person has said is “Sorry about that sir, what a cock up. It’s some technical issue on our side I won’t bore you with the details, we’ll fix it and refund you immediately!”

I’m going to outline a hypothetical customer journey with BT.

Imagine you suddenly discover that your internet provider has, out of nowhere, changed you £100 per month instead of the £40 flat fee you’ve agreed in writing following a relatively high level complaint.

I’m going to skip the initial automated answering merry-go-round in the interests of brevity.

Call 1

So what seems to be the problem sir?

You have randomly taken £100 out of my account instead of the agreed £40 for the last two months?

I see. Let’s have a look. Ah yes, I can see this relates to a glitch about the billing cycle you use. It’s not a problem.

Well it is a problem.

No, you see, what’s happened is, your type of account can sometimes be subject to something we call a MOSW, which is a Money Out Snatch Whim, it relates to estimates on how you hold the hand set when you make phone calls.

I’ve told you as an organisation approximately 50 times that I don’t make phone calls. The phone line is for the broadband

That’s why we estimate, you see.

That doesn’t make any sense. Please change my bill and refund the error.

Hmmmm, I’m not sure we can do that on this bill method.

I don’t care what bill method you use, that’s your problem. You are charging more than we agreed.

I will have to call you back tomorrow if that’s ok sir?



Call 2 (2 days later)

Hi I’m calling in relation to your complaint about the error with your phone connection?


That is not what our notes say, sir.


*you explain issue again in painstaking detail while you know zero notes are being taken*

Oh that is a pickle sir, let’s have a look. I think I’ve spotted the problem. The reason you’ve been charged extra is due to a billing estimation based on heavy broadband.

Heavy broadband?

Yes it’s not a problem, it’s quite common.

It is a problem.

No, you see sir, what happens is, sometimes the internet we provide is subject to surges in electromagnetic fields around the globe. This can make some of the internet that we provide you extremely heavy and therefore costs a little extra. As you can imagine, there is little way for us to tell which of the internet is heavy, so this is estimated based on the weight of your previous usage.

I don’t know what any of that means. It’s absolutely ridiculous. I have a flat fee, for unlimited broadband with no usage-based charges.  

Hmmm, that is strange. Are you a Leo?


Sometimes there can be astrological issues which can cause billing glitches.

I don’t care about the reasons. I pay £40, not £100. Fix it, and refund me.

Hmmm, I’ll have to look into it and call you back. Call I call you tomorrow?


Call 3 (2 days later)

Hi I’m calling about the replacement broadband hub you’ve requested?


There’s no need to be quite so angry sir.

*you explain issue again in painstaking detail while you know zero notes are being taken*

That is not what our notes say sir, but I know what the problem is. I’ve seen this before. You see, the billing cycle you are on can sometimes be subject to anomaly known as ‘the ghost of broadband past’. This is basically a semi-fictional gelatinous blob of unpaid bills from around the world which have banded together and erroneously travel around our customer records searching for their rightful home. It can cause billing fluctuations. It’s not a problem.


Hmmm, are you left handed sir?


You see, on the billing cycle you use, you can….


I have exaggerated for illustrative purposes, but genuinely it’s not that far off.

Thought I’d give you feedback. There is a very helpful guy called Carl XXXX who has been assisting with this hopefully it will be resolved today with a full refund. Gary XXXX was as helpful as an erection in church FYI.

If the issue is not rectified and monies refunded within a day or two, I will cancel my account and all future payments with my bank, as you clearly cannot be trusted with billing me.  You could feel free to send me future paper bills through the post, but *SPOILER ALERT*……………I will not be paying them. You’d be more than welcome to pursue this in a small claims court as any objective analysis of this situation would side with me.

In summary:

come at me bro

I hope it doesn’t come to that.


M x


From: Carl XXX
To: Mark Jorgensen
Subject: RE: VOL012-101408173010

Hello Mr Jorgensen

Just to tie up the loose ends following our conversation yesterday. I’ve actioned the ex gratia £60.00 credit to your account and it’s now on its way to your bank account. This should be with you within 5 working days.

Just to break the figures down. £51.41 was the original overpayment shown on your account. £50.00 was refunded yesterday – my fiscal limit and the remaining discussed £10.00 earlier today.

The total refund is £111.41.

You’ll get a text confirmation of a date change shortly to ensure that effective from the April bill, we take payment purely for your rental charges each month on or after the 26th of each month.

Thank you for the opportunity to resolve matters to your satisfaction.


BT Customer Resolutions


From: Mark Jorgensen
To: Carl XXX
Subject: Re: VOL012-101408173010

Fabulous. Thanks Carl.

Appreciate your help on this.



Complaint to BT: MY Invoice

October 22, 2014 1 comment

*It’s important to note that with this email I copied in the personal email of Joe Garner, CEO of BT Openreach/Broadband*

Dear BT,

Usually when I complain to companies, I have a pretty regimented structure which goes thusly:

  1. Intro with a compliment to gain trust
  2. Some form of ridiculous whimsy or other
  3. Then the crux of my issue, interspersed with whimsy
  4. Some more (underhand) compliments
  5. Some more whimsy
  6. A mad cap demand

Not necessarily a blue print for a complaint letter, but it works for me.

The problem is that every time I sit to write to BT, you aggravate me so much that I get overcome with dormant APE RAGE and can barely type three words before mashing the keypad and screeching like a baboon with a fire ant in its anus.

So rather than being disingenuous and trying to keep to this format, I’m simply going to list my grievances, with the odd generic insult thrown in to lighten the mood:

  1. My internet doesn’t work properly and, in a way, never really has.
  2. My internet cuts off intermittently
  3. You voted for UKIP
  4. BT can’t fix any technical problems
  5. You don’t have bilateral symmetry
  6. BT seem relatively disinterested in technical faults
  7. BT cannot follow very, very simple billing instructions
  8. The ultrasound of your baby looks like an electric frog
  9. Nobody at BT has any comprehension that as a customer, I have no knowledge or interest in the organisational structure of your company
  10. Your overseas call centres – which generally I have no problem with whatsoever – seem to be full of people who can only speak the English words on the script in front of them. Phonetically.
  11. You don’t pronounce the word cavalry correctly
  12. Upon querying my billing amount, you have been over-billing me by approximately £15 per month for the last year. Maybe two. The rate I’ve been on is overpriced and particularly for services I don’t need and the ones I do don’t work.
  13. You are the worst company prefixed with ‘British’, and BP killed all those swans with petrol or whatever.
  14. Any query results in being passed to several departments and having to re-explain the issue to several different people who don’t give a solitary shit.
  15. You attract spiders
  16. The additions include several telephone-oriented ‘bolt on’ services you have added despite me repeatedly telling you I don’t use a home phone. The line is for the internet only.
  17. You are delighted by the plight of endangered animals.
  18. I never get a call back when I request one
  19. In relation to point 7, I asked for my billing date to be changed, anticipating some moving around of money in accounts, you assured me this was done.
  20. In relation to the above, you didn’t change and I was cut off immediately
  21. You chew with your mouth open.

Paying particular attention to points 1, 2, 4, 5, 12, 14, 21 and an addendum of the fact that I’ve been paying for high speed internet, yet your engineers tell me I’ve been getting roughly a quarter of the speed I pay for, I am at the end of a very long shit-smeared tether of incompetence.

Back to a list, here is what we’re going to do

  1. I have attached an invoice for the overbilling, which if we do the math(s):

A conservative guess on timescales of this would be around 12 months.

So 12 x £15 =£180* 

*Please note that this is extremely conservative as it does not include the additional charges I have incurred from my mobile phone provider for overusing 4G when my wireless regularly doesn’t work.

This invoice must be paid into the bank account details on the invoice within 30 days with a payment reference of WEPROBABLYKILLEDJESUSTOO.

I will consider a counter offer.

  1. An engineer must unequivocally repair my internet within 7 days.

(This is attempt number 6 to get this so, for reference

RE-PAIR, verb

restore (something damaged, faulty, or worn) to a good condition.

“faulty electrical appliances should be repaired by an electrician”)

  1. An apology in the form of a limerick.

Failure to adhere to these points will result in the immediate cancellation of all BT services and the passing of owed monies to a collections team.





*A phone call followed*


To: MarkJorgy
Subject: RE: VOL012-97705543521

Hi Mark,

Thanks for your time today.

As we discussed I have refunded the incorrect charges on your bills over the last 12 months.

I have removed the caller display service, Broadband Talk and arranged for the BT Sports to be free for another 12 months. Please see the below breakdown of these charges refunded

·         April 2014 -Broadband Talk=  £17.95

·         July 2014 -Broadband talk = £10.50

·         October 2014 -Broadband talk= £10.50

·         October 2013- Caller display =£6.00

·         April 2014 -Caller display = £5.25

·         July 2014-  Caller display = £5.25

·         October 2014-Caller display = £5.25

·         October 2014- BT SPORTS- £2.00

Total refund= £61.95

Due to the excess usage charges you received when you first joined BT for broadband I have agreed to refund £38.05 towards this cost, the total refund calculated is £100.00 this will be sent you via cheque in the next 10 working days.

In relation to your broadband issues this has been passed to BT’s high level escalation team, as soon I receive any further knows I will keep you informed.

If BT are able to resolve the broadband speed and drop in service I will look at adding a new broadband contract to your account which will result in a cheaper package. I don’t want to make any changes to your account though until you are happy with the level of service you are receiving.

I will check the progress of your broadband on Friday and give you a call, but if you need anything in the meantime please give me a call or drop me an email.

Best Wishes


Priority Care: Executive Level complaints

BT Consumer Resolutions: Tier 2 Case specialist

Address: Doncaster Call Centre, Wilmington Drive, Doncaster. DN4 5PJ.

British Telecommunications plc.
Registered office: 81 Newgate St London EC1A 7AJ
Registered in England no. 1800000

From: Mark Jorgy

Subject: RE: VOL012-97705543521

This is great Nicola, thanks a lot for your help.

Any chance of that limerick?




To: Mark Jorgy
Subject: RE: VOL012-97705543521

You are very welcome,

Hahaha I am not sure my limerick skills are up much Mark, especially with the last essay.  J

Best Wishes


Priority Care: Executive Level complaints

BT Consumer Resolutions: Tier 2 Case specialist


Address: Doncaster Call Centre, Wilmington Drive, Doncaster. DN4 5PJ.

British Telecommunications plc.
Registered office: 81 Newgate St London EC1A 7AJ

From: Mark Jorgy
Subject: RE: VOL012-97705543521

There was a young lady called Nicol-
-a girl who helped Mark in a pickle
She gave him some cash,
They still had a laugh,
But she respectfully bowed out of a riddle


My night out with Reidy

August 21, 2014 Leave a comment

I was recently lucky enough to be invited* out on a night out with football legend Peter Reid.

Reidy (to his friends) is a former player and manager who, despite managing the Thailand national team, and finishing 4th in the World Player of the Year in 1985, is perhaps best known for once referring to Professor Stephen Hawking as “the lad in the chair” live on television.

Here is full breakdown of the night on the tiles with Reidy:

(*For legal purposes I must point out that while Reidy and I had a whale of a time on our big night, he didn’t technically ‘invite’ me out. Nor was he aware that I was there or that I exist)

1. Reidy demonstrating his inimitablly rangey stride for a short man:


2. Exchanging some classic banter about the standard of Thai football:


3. A moment of reflection:


4. This is where he told the story about the time Ron Atkinson and Howard Kendall had a fist fight at the PFA awards in 1986 (“Ron was squealing like a buggered pig, lad, honestly”).


5. “Ey ar lad, gizza drink there you fucking meff”. CLASSIC Reidy #banter



What a night.

Categories: Review Tags: ,

Spiders On A Tram – Letter To Metrolink

July 23, 2014 1 comment

From: Mark Jorgensen
To: Customer Services


I live and work in Manchester city centre so I seldom have a use for the tram network. Nevertheless, I occasionally pop out to the suburbs on a middle class pilgrimage to seek the wonders of Disbury’s dried spice market, haberdasheries, or sometimes to just drink a lot and mindlessly hector passing students.

On such occasions, I always take the tram rather than buses, for the following reasons:

– They feel a little more futuristic and I like gadgets
– There are roughly 43% less twats
– I can gaze out of the window and imagine it’s a film montage of me undergoing some sort of intense introspection. It seems more authentic than being on a vomit and/or semen-drenched magic bus seat.

On Wednesday 8th July I travelled to Disdbury on one of your trams. Not for a wicker basket of kale, nor a steamed-dried filet of free range water bison, but to have a curry and watch football. Having been just in time snag the last remaining inches of space on the rush hour tram, I was hugely uncomfortable, but happy to be on board. I’m not being dramatic, they were quite literally the last inches; the door trapped my jacket behind me, my loin was too close to several fellow passengers and a curious man with a body odour I can only liken to sort of an ammonia-based underpants disaster had the nook of his armpit nestled roughly 0.7 inches from the receptor cells inside my nose.

I appreciate that running only 3 carriages at this time might cause consternation to many of the people who missed the tram that day, and they are probably right. But thankfully, I made the tram, so I don’t care. This is about me.

What I DO take umbrage with, is the presence of a huge cobweb. Just above my head. With offending spider present. See attached photograph.


I am a man, and as a consequence feel duty-bound to be macho where possible. I recently went fishing in Cyprus and conquered a giant crab. I emerged bloodied and victorious from the battle, with my Alpha male gland (metaphorically speaking, please don’t confuse with my glans), buoyed and blooming. So I am, technically speaking, not a quivering coward by nature.

Unfortunately, spiders are my kryptonite. I would happily sit in a giant wooden box filled with a variety of snakes, than have a little house spider anywhere near me. It’s a foible, not a phobia.

People who are terrified of spiders often get dubbed arachnophobes, but this is a little harsh. Being scared of buttons (Koumpounophobia) is a phobia. There are not tens of thousands of species of venomous buttons. Being afraid of spiders is a perfectly rational, limbic response to threat, harking back to millions of years of evolution.

So, to cut a long story short, I am disgusted, and admittedly scared, to discover you allow our multi-million pound tram system in Manchester to be riddled with spiders. This was an intricately built and vast web, it was not a throw-up temporary one for an idle-minded commuting spider (not a species). This guy was living there. I managed to not scream like a kicked weasel throughout my journey, but at the expense of my comfort and dignity.

Therefore, please can you provide me with the following information:

– Metrolink’s policy on spiders
– An explanation as to how/why this wasn’t cleaned, and the spider thrashed into a twitching clump by a Metrolink employee prior to the tram leaving that day.
– Your assurances that I will not be subjected to any arachnid-based trauma on future journeys

Thanks in advance,

Mark Jorgensen

From: Customer Services []

To: Mark Jorgensen
Subject: Correspondence Acknowledgement


Thank you for contacting the Metrolink Customer Experience team.


We appreciate you taking the time to share your comments with us.  Our Customer Experience team will respond to your comments as soon as possible, but please be aware that this can take up to 15 working days if further investigation is required.  If we are unable to provide you with a full response in this time, we will contact you to explain why.


If you wish to speak to us in relation to your comments or if your enquiry is urgent, please call a member of our Customer Experience team on 0161 205 2000; the team will be available between 06.00 and 23.00 Monday to Friday, 08.00 and 20.00 Saturday and Sunday.


Thank you again for taking the time to contact Metrolink; we value your feedback.


From: Mark Jorgensen

To: ‘’; ‘’
Importance: High

I must say, even with spider issues left aside, your rate of response is pretty appalling. I was going to make some snarky comment about your trams being equally late and infrequent but seems too obvious. Although I kind of just indirectly said it anyway. Soz.

FYI – Popping an out of office warning you take up to 15 days (which is a ludicrous amount of time), doesn’t automatically excuse it. If I popped an out of office on my work email saying “sorry, it takes me two weeks to reply to emails”, I can imagine it would be received as well as me popping “thanks for your email, I’m busy servicing other clients. As is YOUR mum”.

Just some additional feedback.

As a customer.

You aren’t currently servicing.

As customer services.

Thank you again for taking the time not to contact Mark Jorgensen; we value your ignorance.

From: Customer Services []

To: Mark Jorgensen
Subject: Correspondence Acknowledgement


Please find attached a letter of response.




Ad reply – John The Muggy Whip Thief

May 12, 2014 Leave a comment

Bored and hungover I replied to an ad…

Johns Alfa



From: Mark

To: John

Subject: Reply to your ad: For sale


Are you trying to mug me off or are you just stupid?

From: John

To: Mark

Subject: Reply to your ad: For sale


Excuse me?


From: Mark

To: John

Subject: Reply to your ad: For sale


You know exactly what I’m talking about

From: John

To: Mark

Subject: Reply to your ad: For sale


Stop wasting my time.

From: Mark

To: John

Subject: Reply to your ad: For sale


Let me ask you something John, and try not to be a snivelling little mug about it, where and when did you get that car exactly?

From: John

To: Mark

Subject: Reply to your ad: For sale


‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏What business is that of yours?


From: Mark

To: John

Subject: Reply to your ad: For sale


Don’t get lemon sunshine, it don’t suit you.

I’ll tell you why it’s my business John, that’s my car which was stolen from me and now you’re mysteriously selling it on fucking Gumtree? Mug.

From: John

To: Mark

Subject: Reply to your ad: For sale


What? I bought this at car auction in Birmingham over a year ago! How do you know it’s yours?

Lemon? What are you talking about?


From: Mark

To: John

Subject: Reply to your ad: For sale


I recognise the car and the licence plate, smart dick.

Is that a pub?

From: John

To: Mark

Subject: Reply to your ad: For sale


Is what a pub?

From: Mark

To: John

Subject: Reply to your ad: For sale


Jesus. You’re a pub, John. You are.

From: John

To: Mark

Subject: Reply to your ad: For sale


From: Mark

To: John

Subject: Reply to your ad: For sale


The Auction. Where is it? Is that where you drink? I need to come down there and have a word with you and them. Nobody steals my car and mugs me off like this.


From: John

To: Mark

Subject: Reply to your ad: For sale



From: Mark

To: John

Subject: Reply to your ad: For sale



Are you mugging me off? I’ve Googled it and there is not a single pub called The Car Auction in the UK.

Hang on I’ll try Bing….

From: John

To: Mark

Subject: Reply to your ad: For sale



From: Mark

To: John

Subject: Reply to your ad: For sale



Nothing on Bing either.  How convenient eh?

From: John

To: Mark

Subject: Reply to your ad: For sale


Oh my God, you are incredibly stupid. A whip? I don’t know what you mean.

From: Mark

To: John

Subject: Reply to your ad: For sale


A whip is slang for a car, do you not listen to hip hop?

From: John

To: Mark

Subject: Reply to your ad: For sale


No I don’t listen to bloody hip hop and I don’t know what that has got to do with anything.

This is getting ridiculous. If you’ve got a problem, you need to report it to Gumtree or the Police.

From: Mark

To: John

Subject: Reply to your ad: For sale


Yea you wish John. I’m not a Police kind of geezer, understand?


From: John

To: Mark

Subject: Reply to your ad: For sale


No I don’t understand. Are you threatening me?


From: Mark

To: John

Subject: Reply to your ad: For sale


Don’t start acting like a melt now sugartits, you and your muggy little pals robbed my fucking Audi, now you’re trying to sell it.

Nobody mugs me off like that.

From: John

To: Mark

Subject: Reply to your ad: For sale


Audi? This is an Alfa!!!!!!



From: Mark

To: John

Subject: Reply to your ad: For sale


Fuck off is it. I’m not a prick John. I know an Audi when I see one. Especially my fucking Audi

From: John

To: Mark

Subject: Reply to your ad: For sale


What? This is an Alfa Romeo 147….. LOOK AT THE PICTURE YOU RETARD.

From: Mark

To: John

Subject: Reply to your ad: For sale


Oh yea. Actually, my Audi was blue as well, not red. Sorry about that.

That’s not a bad looking whip you got there though, how much you want for it?

Does it have a log book? I’ve had some bad experiences with stolen cars in the past.

From: John

To: Mark

Subject: Reply to your ad: For sale


Fuck you.


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