Me, Mila Kunis and John. "It's always nice to talk to a fan"

My email address is public on my blog, I got this email from a fan which sparked a lovely conversation…

From: John McCarthey

To: Mark Jorgensen
Subject: Your blog

You just think you’re funny don’t you prick. I bet your still a virgin.

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From: Mark Jorgensen
To: John McCarthey
Subject: Your blog

Hi John,

Thanks for taking the time to email me feedback about my blog. I wasn’t sure whether you’d like me to answer the question or not. Please advise.

Thanks
M

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From: John McCarthey
To: Mark Jorgensen
Subject: Your blog

I don’t need an answer, you obviously think your fucking funny.

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From: Mark Jorgensen
To: John McCarthey
Subject: Your blog

Hi John,

To be honest, I regularly switch between thinking I’m funny and struggling with profound bouts of self-hatred. A bit like someone who always wanted to be a footballer but had their career cut short by shin splints or whatever, but they still like to think they could do a job for England if the call were to ever come. So, you’ve got me absolutely nailed there John, but only 50% of the time. You seem a chirpy chap, any advice?

Oh sorry, did you want me to answer the virgin bit too?

Thanks
M
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From: John McCarthey
To: Mark Jorgensen
Subject: Your blog

Fuck you faggot cunt.

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From: Mark Jorgensen
To: John McCarthey
Subject: Your blog

Hi John,

I’m sorry, I don’t understand. Do you wish to know more about my sex life or not?

Thanks
M

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From: John McCarthey
To: Mark Jorgensen
Subject: Your blog

I don’t give a shit where your tiny dick has been.
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From: Mark Jorgensen
To: John McCarthey
Subject: Your blog

Hi John,

Would you like me to tell you?

Thanks
M

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From: John McCarthey
To: Mark Jorgensen
Subject: Your blog

No I don’t want you to fucking tell me you prick. Just go back to your fucking letters. Do you actually do anything else other than just waste people time?

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From: Mark Jorgensen
To: John McCarthey
Subject: Your blog

Hi John,

Ok, but let me know if you change your mind. I generally keep a diary of all sexual activity so I’ll happily scan in a few pages and send them to you.

Again John, bob on. I really don’t do much else. I went for a walk around a lake this morning. Pretty sure a duck quacked in a Russian accent and it got me a bit paranoid and flustered as I started to think all of the local wildfowl were communists. Do you think I’m reading too much into it?

Thanks
M

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From: John McCarthey
To: Mark Jorgensen
Subject: Your blog

Ha ha, oh my god you sad cunt. You keep a diary of sex you have? Fuckin sad cunt. Must be a small book.

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From: Mark Jorgensen
To: John McCarthey
Subject: Your blog

Hi John,
It’s actually quite a big book, but that is largely to do with the drawings and my large handwriting than the frequency of my swordsmanship.

Thanks
M

p.s. any advice on the duck stuff?

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From: John McCarthey
To: Mark Jorgensen
Subject: Your blog

Your such a sad cunt. Spend all your fucking time writing pointless shit letters and keeping a fucking sex diary. Ha ha sad cunt. And I’m not arsed about fucking ducks.

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From: Mark Jorgensen
To: John McCarthey
Subject: Your blog

Hi John,

I think there are some crossed wires here, I never asked you to fuck any of the ducks. I really don’t see how that would aid my suspicion of them being communists.
To be honest, John, I don’t have sex very often. (Not in the traditional sense anyway). So my book is largely a collection of masturbation memoirs.

Thanks
M

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From: John McCarthey
To: Mark Jorgensen
Subject: Your blog

I never said anything about fucking a duck you weirdo! You keep a wank diary? Your such a sad bastard.

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From: Mark Jorgensen
To: John McCarthey
Subject: Your blog

Hi John,

It’s more a graphic novel than a diary really. I’m thinking of trying to get them published as a series of romance comics. I generally just try and recreate the fantasy element of the masturbation process in a graphical format.

For example, I have attached one I did of a recent bout of self pollution I undertook over American actress Mila Kunis. In the fantasy, she was tied to a tree by some faceless nefarious villain, left to be sacrificed to a dragon in a move to appease some sort of evil spirit. Thankfully, I was on hand to save her from the fire-breathing beast, before taking her back to my castle and pummelling her sternly before a roaring fire.

As a fan of my other work, it would be good to get your feedback on this.

Thanks

M

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From: John McCarthey
To: Mark Jorgensen
Subject: Your blog

What the fuck is that? You really are a sad fucking prick aren’t you? I’m not a fan of anything to do with you, you sad bastard.

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From: Mark Jorgensen
To: John McCarthey
Subject: Your blog

Hi John,
Is it the lime green jumper I’m wearing in the picture? I wasn’t sure about it either, but think I made up for this sartorial clanger by wearing some pretty dope black Reebok Pumps.

Thanks
M

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From: John McCarthey
To: Mark Jorgensen
Subject: Your blog

Fuck you and your reebok pumps.

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From: Mark Jorgensen
To: John McCarthey
Subject: Your blog

Hi John,

That’s actually part 2 of the fantasy. Where the ‘pump’ facility on my trainers mysteriously controls the size of Mila’s breasts! It’s brilliant. Shall I send you a picture of that?

Thanks
M

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From: John McCarthey
To: Mark Jorgensen
Subject: Your blog

No, I don’t want you to fucking send me anything you boring cunt. Stop emailing me.

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From: Mark Jorgensen
To: John McCarthey
Subject: Your blog

Hi John,

I can stop emailing you if you want but I’m not sure how else we can communicate. Are you on facebook?

Thanks
M

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From: John McCarthey
To: Mark Jorgensen
Subject: Your blog

Why do you keep mailing me this shit? Are you a faggot or something?

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From: Mark Jorgensen
To: John McCarthey
Subject: Your blog

Hi John,

Ok fair enough. Well it’s been a pleasure, always nice to speak to a fan (I’ve always wanted to say that! It makes me feel like a really important celebrity, like Rod Stewart or something).

I’ll keep you posted how I get on with publishing my memoirs.

Keep in touch.

M

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From: John McCarthey
To: Mark Jorgensen
Subject: Your blog

Are you fucking retarded? Why on earth would anyone be a fan of yours you sad fucking queer

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From: Mark Jorgensen
To: John McCarthey
Subject: Your blog

Hi John,

What are you trying to say? Sorry, I didn’t understand.

You never replied about facebook by the way. You search for me, it’s Mark Jorgensen. (Check the Manchester network, you should recognise me from the drawing of me and Mila I sent you earlier)

Thanks
M

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From: John McCarthey
To: Mark Jorgensen
Subject: Your blog

I’m not adding you on facebook you fucking prick. Stop emailing me.

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From: Mark Jorgensen
To: John McCarthey
Subject: Your blog

Hi John,
Yea sorry I’ve just thought, it’s the back of my head in that picture I sent isn’t it? No wonder you can’t find me! I think you’re right, I might be a bit dizzy. (I don’t like the word retarded)
Thanks
M
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From: John McCarthey
To: Mark Jorgensen
Subject: Your blog

STOP FUCKING EMAILING ME RETARD.

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From: Mark Jorgensen
To: John McCarthey
Subject: Your blog

Hi John,
I need your help. I had another wank earlier after revisiting the picture I sent you and found myself fantasising over the dragon rather than Mila. Is that weird?

Thanks
M

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From: John McCarthey
To: Mark Jorgensen
Subject: Your blog

Are you actually retarded or are you just writing all this shit to put on your blog?

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From: Mark Jorgensen
To: John McCarthey
Subject: Your blog

Hi John,
The second one.

Thanks
M

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From: John McCarthey
To: Mark Jorgensen
Subject: Your blog

If you put anything on your fucking blog that I’ve said then I’ll just sue you you said cunt. Now stop fucking emailing me

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From: Mark Jorgensen
To: John McCarthey
Subject: Your blog

Hi John,

Oooh, if you sue me does that mean we go to court? I’ve got loads of court fantasies in my memoirs. I’ve got one of Judge Judy, add me on facebook and I’ll post it on your wall.

You’ll practically tear your cock off.

Thanks
M

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From: John McCarthey
To: Mark Jorgensen
Subject: Your blog

STOP FUCKING EMAILING ME YOU WEIRDO!!!

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From: Mark Jorgensen
To: John McCarthey
Subject: Your blog

Hi John,

Don’t worry, I’ve found you on facebook by searching your email address. I’ve added you so just accept the request.

Thanks
M

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From: John McCarthey
To: Mark Jorgensen
Subject: Your blog

I’m blocking your email address. And I won’t be accepting your request you sad fucking queer. Get a life.

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From: Mark Jorgensen
To: John McCarthey
Subject: Your blog

Hi John,

@markjorgy on twitter then.

Thanks
M